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The ten (ish) Commablos of Pablism!

Lo! Anton von Strudel and Taki have been granted the wisdom of Pablo (small rubber dinosaur/deity) whom we have exalted beyond all reason and perched atop the cigarette kiosk at work.

Having finally seen Clerks, I can fully appreciate the desperate states of mind working in a shop like that can induce and I consequently feel much better about the whole thing.

Hopefully, we will now be able to stretch this thing into a fully fledged religion: 'Yes, for just $25 you can join Pablo's holy crusade against THE RED MAN. That will appeal to a scarily high number of Americans and we can start to amass funds...

THE TEN (ISH) COMMABLOS OF PABLISM:

'There is no word more powerful than 'strudel': the first word uttered by Pablo upon creating the world'

'Only through careful study of the teachings of Pablo can one obtain the 'look' AND the 'luck.'

'Thou shalt not cavort with people of chav heritage'

'When it comes to the crunch: you know nothing of the crunch. Only Pablo knows of the crunch. We can all go as tourists on a little day trip around the crunch but when you actually get there, you know nothing of what it entails.'

'Thou shalt never ask the moon for directions.'

'Beware of Old Gregg: some say he's half man, half fish. Others say its more of a seventy-thirty split. Whatever the percentage, he's one fishy bastard.'

Here's some more:

'Thou shalt not covet they neighbour's gin'

'Pablo can be praised through the medium of song, interpretative dance, BUT NEVER RHYME.'

'Thou shalt work to conserve and protect Pablo's most precious creation: the bird that lays Creme Eggs.'

'Thou shalt not clean too much: when you dust, it scrapes off all the accumulated holiness.'

'Thou shalt train every day with the holy implements of Pablo (or whatever you got lying around) to guard against a zombie plague as triggered by THE RED MAN.'

'Thou shalt cross the road at thine own discretion; do not submit to the tyranny of THE RED MAN.'

'Once a man and a woman (or who/whatever) are joined before Pablo, only a qualified dentist can render them asunder.'

By Taki at 27/02/2006 - 11:18 | Taki's blog

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The Red Man

It costs nothing to follow The Little Red Man. He only asks that you press his button once in a while and that you only cross the road when he says it's safe to do so. None of this authoritarian commandment malarky here, mateys.

By Eddie the Gent at Mon, 27/02/2006 - 13:14 | login to post comments

Don't touch me there

It may well be free to join The Red Man (if that is his real name) but when you're in the splendour of Pablo he never asks you to 'press his button'. Despite His Holiness having a majestic button of gloriousness upon his scaly yet irresistable back, we are not forced to press it to gain acceptance. The fact that The Red Man (seriously, who would call their child that, it has to be a fake name- I blame P Diddy for all these silly names about at the moment, hes changed his name so many times its just plain stupid. I would have blamed Prince but his music touches me in ways that if they were a woman i'd have to make them my wife) encourages touching of this nature shows his lack of interest in saving us and more in the evils of the flesh. I shall never press the button of The Red Man or any coloured man no matter how many gins i've had, i don't swing that way despite what stories Taki may tell!

By Anton von Strudel at Tue, 28/02/2006 - 16:46 | login to post comments

The Red Man Moved On The Face Of The Darkness...

The Red Man did not get his name from "parents" - The Red Man has always been, and always will be. He came before everything, and he will be here after averything. "The Red Man", as he allows us to refer to him, is an abstract concept far beyond the capabilities of human understanding. The fact that he allows us to refer to him at all, and not simply walk under some passing juggernaut, shows him to be a benevolent force in the universe (some say he is the universe, but they fail to remember that that would mean that there would have to be something other than The Red Man for The Red Man to exist in, which is herecy - the accepted view is that we're all in a universe that has always existed thanks to The Red Man. If anyone starts asking any difficult questions about what was around before then The Red Man's factotum, the green man, appears and starts everyone moving).

And of course you've got to press his button. It wouldn't be a proper religion otherwise. Look at the Catholic church (or consider the lily, or whatever)...

By Eddie the Gent at Wed, 01/03/2006 - 13:21 | login to post comments

Up Pablo!

Eddie the Gent asked me to hook him up...here's the result! The sacred peyote of Pablo (Pablote?) is not to be toyed with by non-believers...

Just like a follower of THE RED MAN to reduce religion to a regimented world of button pressing.

Any reader of Tom Robbins will be familiar with the idea of the clockworks. Eddie certainly should be aware of this as the creator of decimal time. The Clockworks is a chiming clock created by a Japanese hermit ex-pat living in a hollowed out mesa near Mexico. It chimes at random - or to its own time rhythms, you decide. The idea being that hearing the chime, your attention will be seized, forcing you to experience the now-ness of THIS moment, yes, celebrate THIS EXACT moment of conscious BEING!

Much like Pablo when his light shineth forth. There ain't no rhyme or reason and that's the beauty. Running under a juggernaut is the prerogative of every lifeform on this planet. Our God does not attempt to babysit, cosset or otherwise mollycoddle his people. Certainly, he does not attempt to impose rules and regimentation on such a rag-tag bunch of misfits. Rather, he shies away from any but the most general of commablos and allows us to experience the brutal, dangerous, beautiful wonderment of existence FREE from restrictions like 'cross now, it's perfectly safe...blah, blah, blah.' On a rock spinning through space at millions of miles an hour, governed by such abstract fancies as gravity and 'orbits', safety acn only ever be an illusion.

DOWN with THE RED MAN and his illusions of security.

UP PABLO!!

By Taki at Thu, 02/03/2006 - 13:53 | login to post comments

Down Pablo

Naughty Pablo. On your rug.

The Red Man is not a dictatorial authority: he merely helps his followers at difficult times in their lives - wherever there is a busy junction in life to be negotiated, The Red Man can help. The Red Man will not stop his follower from running under a juggernaut, if his follower decides on that as a rational course of action, but he does advise strongly against it.

While the chap with the hollowed-out mesa might have a point with his chimes, he fails to reach out to the populace in the way that The Red Man does: The Red Man does not cower in Bond-esque hollowed-out geographical features, he is on every street corner, so his shrill but helpful bleep fulfills the same purpose as that bloke you were on about's chimes with the vital difference that there are some people around to actually hear them and so get some benefit from them. Also, while we're on the subject of the flaws of the false prophet Pablo, why would you have to press a button on him to activate his divine light? That sounds a bit man behind the curtain in The Wizard of Oz to me. Yes.

By Eddie the Gent at Thu, 02/03/2006 - 14:11 | login to post comments

In the beginning...

Lo! For those who seek beneath Pablo shall find wisdom...

By Taki at Mon, 13/03/2006 - 13:09 | login to post comments

Peace

I believe it is now time to stop the fighting with the red man for as Pablo teaches: 'Seek not the wickedness amongst your neighbours lest it find purchase in your own house'. If this is not heeded by the Red Man and his followers I quote Pablo: 'And those who are prideful, and refuse to bow down shall be laid low and made unto dust'.

By Anton von Strudel at Mon, 13/03/2006 - 15:02 | login to post comments

War

The Red Man will not be told to do nothing by no-one, no-how. He will smite the followers of the false idol Pablo by deploying his Green Factotum at inopportune moments, that they might be ground to paste by passing Austin Westminsters.

By Eddie the Gent at Mon, 13/03/2006 - 15:17 | login to post comments

And so it begins...

'He who has faith in that which is abhorrent and false shall be cast upon the holy fire and shall writhe there till time is ended and none shall mourn for them for they are wicked.'

1st book of Pablations, chapter 3 verse 17.

By Anton von Strudel at Mon, 13/03/2006 - 15:32 | login to post comments

Can of worms

Didn't mean to re-open the pablo/red man worm can.

That message was an actual suggestion that you look beneath pablo tonight...and find wisdom...

By Taki at Mon, 13/03/2006 - 16:07 | login to post comments

Beneath Pablo

Nothing is beneath Pablo. He is the lowest of the low. He crawls 'pon his belly in the slime while the Red Man rides high in the sky like a man-shaped sun.

It is exactly like a Pablist to re-open a can of worms just for what Pablists would probably describe as kicks and giggles. They must be cast out. Yea, that the land may be cleansed of the Pablists something something something INSERT GENERIC QUASI-EVANGELISTIC RANT HERE...

By Eddie the Gent at Tue, 14/03/2006 - 08:25 | login to post comments

Here come old Flat-top

Brothers, sisters, men, dinosoars, come together... surely you both accept that followed back to their origins both these faiths are based on the same events, and are in fact the same religion, the Profit does not make the message, the meaning, is what makes the message.

these bickerings are the makings of proud individuals, who are forgetting their teachings, and abusing their supposed precious religion for the purposes of self gratification and pompous superiority.

All religions are futile and self defeating, all are bound up in the blind obsession with faith... all will crumble under the might...

Come together brothers, burn your holy idols and turn your back on those who bring conflict, unity calls, unity can save you, unity can bring you power. Power the likes of which you have never imagined. Do not wait for some prophecy to disappoint you, allow youselves true gratification... GOD is here on earth, follow, be the first chosen few who will share in the Power of Johnny... All those who join with fear, without trepidation will join the higher order... they will be rulers in this new world, and will receive a limited edition novelty porcalin teaset signed by Johnny himself. (teaset is not exchangable for cash, stocks limited, may differ to picture shown).

By Good Sir Johnny at Tue, 14/03/2006 - 12:36 | login to post comments

Easily led

I BELIEVE!!!!

By Taki at Tue, 14/03/2006 - 13:36 | login to post comments

Don't turn your back on Pablo

'There is none more sinful and beyond redemption than those who have known the light of Pablo and yet chose to walk a different path. They shall have the foulest of seats set aside for them in hell and shall be tormented with episodes of babylon 5 whilst always reaching for the 'just-out-of-reach pie'. Those that come back to the fold shall be rewarded with the highest seat in heaven upon the naked lady cloud next to the gin waterfall.'

By Anton von Strudel at Tue, 14/03/2006 - 13:56 | login to post comments

This is kind of relevant...

Any religion that promises a heaven really grinds my gears.

That is how people are convinced to lead joyless lives of toil and exploitation with the vague promise from jewel encrusted priests that 'the meek shall inherit the earth' and 'God will make all well, with his gin waterfalls.' It ain't gonna happen. They will spend their lives waiting to die and for their suffering to end when what they SHOULD be doing is overthrowing the gits who are exploiting them!

I sort of like the Buddhist idea that heaven and hell are states of mind. They seem to think that if you live a life based entirely on rice balls and immersion in the being of the present moment, you'll be happy. I can believe that. Just this morning, I immersed myself in a large sandwich and by bite number 3 I had tasted it's actual Buddha nature and was inches from enlightenment...

By Taki at Tue, 14/03/2006 - 14:06 | login to post comments

Heaven and The Red Man

The Red Man promises no heaven. He's quite sensible on that point: once you're dead, says the Red Man, you're dead. He merely tries to prevent you from dying too soon beneath the wheels of some motorised vehicle or other. The Red Man also promotes a path to enlightenment, as when one waits for his benevolent signal to cross the road one is given a little space in time to contemplate the meaning of existence and soforth. Pablo doesn't do that: he just looks condescendingly down from his eyrie threatening people with his laser thing. Johnny only offers tea sets, indistinct tea sets, at that.

The Red Man: the thinking man's deity.

By Eddie the Gent at Tue, 14/03/2006 - 15:14 | login to post comments

Delivery on promises

Johnism has addressed all these issues of promising the impossible or the corrobated afterlife... Johnny promises, rain, long queues caused by old ladies confused by the PIN number... rain, wet holidays, small portions of chips... Power... corporate exploitation... imperialist rule... lies from government, all these things are the work of Johnny, did i mention Rain?

By Good Sir Johnny at Tue, 14/03/2006 - 15:22 | login to post comments

That's me in the corner...

The folly! The horror! The curry sauce/acid rain tang on my chip-like memories of childhood.
(and yes, thanks to years of substance abuse, the portion is small, my friends, very small.)

What have I been doing with my time? I spent an entire portion of my Jackson's shift writing a Creation myth for Pablism. Should have been watching out for thieves.

I hereby demote Pablism from all consuming religious mania to Buddhism style set of precepts and guidelines for a brighter tomorrow. No rain.

Might actually subvert Pablism and use the momentum of it's increasing flock to preach my philosophy and amass a force large enough to reclaim the earth from the blouse wearin' work slackers.

Arm yourselves, friends.

By Taki at Tue, 14/03/2006 - 15:27 | login to post comments

Guidelines

That's what girl-guides would have to write if, for example, they were visiting a prison and misbehaved.

I will not question Governor LeGent
I will not question Governor LeGent
I will not question Governor LeGent
I will not question Governor LeGent
I will not question Governor LeGent
I will not question Governor LeGent
I will not question Governor LeGent
I will not question Governor LeGent

et cetera...

By Eddie the Gent at Tue, 14/03/2006 - 15:32 | login to post comments

Trust a blerk

Trust a blerk to not take me seriously. You heard my plans in the pub last night dammit and you seemed keen as mustard! Does this mean I can't count on your support in the upcoming General election?

I still need a getaway driver.

Last night, my flatmates and I were drawing up tentative, albeit enthusiastic plans to break off from the Student's Union and make a new one. Plan was to try and get government funding and then enter local politics at ground level because of voter apathy! We figure if we give the new union members an eighth and a pretty smile, they will probably vote us in instead of sleeping in.

Then it begins.

The really frightening thing would be if it wasn't just a stoner notion and if they actually do it. I'd be spin doctor!

I saw real vision in their eyes last night.

Just giving you all fair warning.

By Taki at Tue, 14/03/2006 - 15:40 | login to post comments

Punishment

Right. That's it. Lines for Comrade Taki.

You know the form: "I will not question Governor LeGent".

Write it out a hundred times. If it's not done by morning I'll chop your balls off (or something).

By Eddie the Gent at Tue, 14/03/2006 - 16:07 | login to post comments

Deity

Johnny will burn the lines... Johnny will encourage questions, and every prayer meeting will give out buscuits and a coupon, collect coupons and choose a free gift from the catalogue...

Its all part of my plan to become a real god, and i need the help of my trusted followers unite! and collect coupons, and choose any gift, like a sandwish toaster, a kettle, a novelty kitchen plastic bag dispenser, electric tin open, keyring torch etc...

By Good Sir Johnny at Tue, 14/03/2006 - 16:37 | login to post comments

The God of Typographical Errors

Yes, see:

Buscuits.
Sandwish toaster.
Electric tin open.

I am intrigued to see what all these things are, especially the buscuits - is it a biscuit the size of a bus or a bus made out of biscuits? Fascinating.

Forgive me, I couldn't help myself...

By Eddie the Gent at Tue, 14/03/2006 - 18:46 | login to post comments

Busy God

doesn't have time to to worry about spelling, becareful how you tread, being a gentlemen is not enough to hold back the Wrath of Johnny... soon i shall be a real God, he plan is already in action...

the you'll be sorry...

I always get baffled by Bisiness, and Buscuits...

I shall destroy them both...

Ha Ha Ha...

By Good Sir Johnny at Tue, 14/03/2006 - 21:43 | login to post comments

Student God

There was a rather lovely piece in the newspaper (The Independent) yesterday about evidence for that intelligent design theory. It said that a search for evidence of intelligent design had produced evidence of exactly that (see: bat), but also of incredibly stupid design (see: panda). The conclusion was that Earth, the universe and everything is a project of some student God or other, never quite properly thought-out, never quite properly finished and now abandoned for the next project.

I thought it was very amusing.

Anyway, back to the bickering: The Red Man is best, times a thousand.

By Eddie the Gent at Wed, 15/03/2006 - 08:31 | login to post comments

Exercise and business

Took me 20 years to learn how to spell these words.

I want an electric tin open. Sounds like it's a special electric tin designed to keep some virulent strain of foodstuff inside it. Coming upon it one day, you notice it is open -the electric tin? Open? and Something has escaped.

Mmmm the sinisterness of a somethingless enclosure.

Hunting time!!!

How many coupons do I need?

By Taki at Wed, 15/03/2006 - 14:45 | login to post comments

Beaurocrats

I could never spell this one. Had to look it up just now.

The Electric Tin would be for keeping mushroom soup in. There's nothing worse than mushroom soup in the tinned food world. Creosote makes better soup (and a nice sauce for lamb).

By Eddie the Gent at Wed, 15/03/2006 - 16:55 | login to post comments