For too long have we atheists been made to suffer for our beliefs… we are forced to pander to people who don’t want us to shop or cook on Sunday’s, people who attack our theatres and our playwrites, try to influence our television programming, control our media and put religious programming on always when I’m about to wake up.
They obsessively want us to live by their values and only let people marry if they fit the religious interpretation of “marriage”, and insist that Easter and Christmas are somehow religious festival rather than celebrations of the calendar.
Atheists are arguably one of the most subtly and widely persecuted peoples on the planet, precisely because we don’t believe anything. Surely now, the time has come when we scientifically minded, rational, calm, realistic individuals deserve a land of our own, where we can be free from Sunday trading restrictions, where we can marry who we want, where we can celebrate the festival of reproduction and admit it is just sex, and leave it at that. Rather than pretend its not sex, and then obsess and intrude into everyone’s sex life.
We have the right to a place where heathens are safe, where we can exclaim JESUS CHRIST when we stub our toe and where Mohammed can guest star in the Simpsons if Matt Groening so wishes…
There just one tiny hitch…
In order to get it past the UN we need, a proclamation, for our promised land, which could be very complicated to get as we don’t believe anything, so who promised it? I have an idea on this, I’ll come to it in a moment.
Also, it would be a great deal easier with a ridiculous number of tanks, aircraft, missiles and a nuclear Bomb, which we would never admit to having but that everyone would know we had really. This would not be a weapon of God, merely a weapon.
There would also be a question of location location location, Jerusalem is a no, too religious, there’s a nice spot in Italy, smack bang in the middle of Rome, and also the Americans have been very helpful to Israel so maybe they would let is have Florida, they seem quite understanding to this “land we can call our own” idea. I’m sure they would be sympathetic to our case.
Once Rationaland has been established, borders drawn up, and the non-heathen non-infidel, blessed-in-the-eyes-of-god natives have been brutally driven from their homes, their church sacrilegiously burned to the ground and the children shot and run over by our vastly over sized army we would need to turn our attention to international recognition, and quickly establish a “history” of badly conceived military campaigns to establish our presence and to make all these superstitious other who may view us as being petty and just a little bit over the top think twice about doing anything that may upset us, even though we’re on the North American continent we would also invite our selves the Eurovision song contest, and we’d have an atheist figure head we’d send all over the world with armed protection and a bullet-proof golf buggy. And unlike other similar figureheads ours would have legitimate cause for such protection, having no faith, and believing that once you’re dead, your dead.
Then, as our existence came under threat, we would no doubt be forced to start vicious program of “rationalisation”, allowing only sensible scientifically prove theologies and enforcing the viewing of Life of Brian for the whole population on a daily basis.
Of course such a haven for the damned infidels, seeking asylum from dreary C of E choirs and jumble sales, child molesting catholic alcoholics and hatred preaching mullahs would attract immigrants, like minded refugees and who feel called to somewhere they really belong. The release from alienation would bring like minded souls from across the world, soon we would need to expand, and create settlements, walled enclaves of sin, small pockets of soddomy, work on Sundays and celebrate the solstices and the Equinox…
Let this proclamation be the first step, the unpromised land will be ours, where we can live in piece and our complete lack of beliefs will not be persecuted, and our people will be free, in the land of Rationaland.
Any better ideas for a name would be good too...
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